We all love to pet the pets, but should they be allowed to give permission? Petting dogs and cats lowers our blood pressure, increases oxytocin levels, and relieves our stress. It can do the same for pets, but only if participating is their own choice. Compare your own needs: even if you enjoy hugging and touch from people you love, do you want everyone to touch you whenever they want to?
Putting a Myth to Rest
That old idea that we have to “dominate” animals sneaks into conversations so easily. Let’s put that to rest. We already become the “boss” of our dogs and cats when we corral them in our homes and take charge of feeding and access to resources. While loving and caring for them, we limit their choices by managing their lives. It’s part of the package of taking charge of the environment they live in, what and when they eat, access to activities, and even which other animals they live with. Recognizing this process can help us understand our pets better, which helps us enrich their lives. No further “domination” is necessary. We already know we can change pets’ behavior, including how they feel about cooperating with certain procedures.
No Flooding
The concept of domination sneaks in when we take the approach of repeatedly doing something to a pet so that they can “get used to it.” We know best, we’re sorry the pet doesn’t understand, but they have to “put up with it” for their own good. This is “flooding” an animal with stimuli before they are ready. It often backfires by teaching the pet that avoidance won’t work and the best response is defense.
They May Not be “Putting Up With It”
There are many cases where animals “put up with” having their nails trimmed for years, then explosively defended themselves. Of course, that’s not what really happened. The animal was trying to avoid the procedure and showing signs of stress, but the human either didn’t notice or didn’t give the animal a break when needed. The animal had to escalate to defense, biting or scratching, and now it will be even harder to trim his nails in the future.
Our Own Upbringing May Not be Helpful
We may rationalize this approach through our own experiences growing up and being socialized to the civilized world. Most of us were not raised with positive reinforcement. Using it is foreign until we learn how to do so and how powerful it is.
Humans can look at undesirable events in our own lives in new ways to change our own perspectives and responses. We can remind ourselves that shiny, healthy teeth are worth the uncomfortable dentist visit, and we can give ourselves a treat after the appointment. We can’t reason with pets and they don’t understand “putting up with things.” They do understand “making new associations,” which is a powerful way of learning that can completely change their behavior.
Giving Choices is Not Intuitive
Even though pets live in a human world, in environments that they are not immediately familiar with, we can give them choices as they learn to navigate our rules and desires. Giving pets the opportunity to say, “No, I’d rather not” often surprisingly increases the chance they will make the choice to cooperate with our silly games.
Don’t Pets Like Being Petted?
Sometimes! It depends on the individual and what their previous experiences have been. It also depends on what else is going on at the time. We can help them learn to like it even more. This is an opportunity to build the bond, to enhance our relationships with our pets, and to provide the benefits of reduced stress and just feeling good to both the human and the pet side of the petting.
As I mentioned above, you might like hugs, but you probably like them when you want them and not when you are engaged in something else. Pets have the same issue. Imagine a dog on high alert, watching a squirrel; he probably doesn’t want petting at this time. A cat in the midst of bathing herself or eating a meal may be perfectly content with her current activity. An offer to be petted will likely be refused because she doesn’t want that at the moment.
Ask Permission
There’s a lot of talk about consent and assent floating around the animal training world right now. “Consent” means “permission for something to occur.” A cooperative interaction requires consent. It does not include full agreement or enjoyment or volunteering to take part – only basic tolerance of the event. Consent means everyone involved agrees to hang out during the activity and let it happen.
“Assent” goes a step further. It denotes agreement that the activity should go forward. Assent means that everyone feels good about the activity, maybe even feels enthusiastic. This is what we want for our pets, because we know we can use classical conditioning to work toward it. After all, we love them and want them to enjoy their lives.
Take a Closer Look
Take a look at the pictures below of my friend Michael and his dog, Moira. They actually inspired this blog post. Michael and his husband did not even realize how dramatically these photos showed the act of respect for their dog’s choice. They just thought Moira was adorable as she expressed her desire for more petting, which she was! They show so much more, though.
The first picture shows Michael and Moira happily engaged in a petting session, both looking happy and content. We can assume that he “asked” Moira if she would like to be petted and that she “said yes” in her doggie way, because she is clearly into it!
The second picture shows what it looked like when Michael stopped petting Moira. This action allowed her to let him know whether she wanted more. This is the key! Don’t just keep mindlessly petting, non-stop, even though it feels good to you. Remember there’s someone else involved. Ask if your dog or cat wants to continue, and be OK with them saying, “No, I have other things to do instead.”
The third picture shows the petting starting up again, with both Michael and Moira fully engaged, happy and content. It’s clear that when asked for her opinion, Moira requested more petting; “Yes, please!”
Permission to Pet Cats
Check out this short video of my cat, Ninja. Caution: a cat showing her belly may or may not want a belly rub, so this is another time to carefully “ask their opinion” by just touching the belly briefly at first! Although she may not want a belly rub from someone she’s just met, it is well-known that this house panther loves a belly rub from her own humans.
Allowing this choice is what teaches pets to feel safe and secure with your affection and that of other humans. When they know they can walk away and won’t be forced into tolerating something they don’t want right now, they feel more confident about allowing petting at other times, even when the concept of choice might not be as clear.
As with so many parts of training, the key factor is how you perceive the activity. If you let pets walk away instead of submitting to your petting, they quickly learn that it’s also OK for them to ask you to pet them. When petting is a two-way street, both parties get to give assent repeatedly throughout, with plenty of room for desires to change on either side. It’s only fair that all parties get to opt in.
Broader Applications
When you make a habit of “asking” your dog or cat whether the want petting, you are likely to see them showing more curiosity rather than avoidance when you want to groom them, check them over for parasites, or work with them to carry out a medical treatment. This simple exercise of stopping petting to “ask” whether they want to continue is the beginning of teaching cooperative care for vet visits and more. Try it and watch your pet’s eyes brighten when they recognize the opportunity to express their desires. Coupled with classical conditioning and other training, asking permission is truly the door leading to a world in which your pet cooperates with you, even for tasks that are not all that pleasant.
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